I felt this article. I felt your vulnerability, empathy, and creativity. I also felt loneliness. It made me think about when I was young and the moment(s) that drove me to hide who I was in deference to who others wanted me to be. Safety was a key motivation, as was self-preservation. I appreciate you, Derek. Thanks for a thought-provoking read.
I appreciate you, Kim! Thank you so much for reading and for sharing. I’m glad this was able to offer some reflection. Writing it certainly did for me. Safety is the basic human trait that shapes the life we lead. Self-preservation can take us in many directions—learning to steer it is a choice, but definitely not an easy one.
Thanks for the enjoyable read. It's the benefit of unlocking your creativity :). Loneliness is a funny thing. We feel uncomfortable when we have it. But when we're in a messy interaction (with a friend, colleague, or family member), we'd like to be alone.
I once visited a beautiful temple located between the ocean and the mountain. It's one of the tourist hotspots which is also advertised as 'the best temple to grant any of your wishes.'
As I stood there and took in the ocean view, I was tempted to make a wish: I'd like to cure my loneliness.
Then I had a second thought: What if, I can ask for the state of being care-less about loneliness? Then I'll stop bothering about it.
I was quickly brought back to reality because someone asked me to move, I was blocking them from taking a nice picture.
What a fantastic insight! And such a powerful story to go with it. Thanks for sharing! Perhaps there’s a layer of security found in the space to process how we feel. And maybe access to the space is what we feel most comforted by — and the autonomy it implies.
This was really thought provoking. From another prospective, I'm a wife who is anxiously watching my husband slide into middle age. First, it was the constant scrolling and default to news.com that had him wired for bad news. Then, it was slumped in front of the TV, scrolling YouTube and watching his homepage feed get increasingly inane and violent. He doesn't go out with his friends, they don't call. A generation ago, my grandfather sat in his chair smoking a pipe. Maybe it's inevitable. What do you think is the solution for keeping men connected as they age?
Thanks for reading! Glad it stirred up some thoughts. That sounds like a hard challenge for both your husband and for you. I won't pretend to know the answer, but I can offer some thoughts and observations. I think we (humans) have a hard time understanding the compounding impact of things we can't see. For example, we come to understand the benefits of investing and personal financial planning because we can eventually see the dollars growing. But we wrongly assume our social lives will maintain, and even grow, while our daily lives evolve and we socialize less. As time passes, our focus shifts and our commitments become our schedules (jobs, family, kids). The truth is that what we do each day, becomes what we did that week, that month, that year. The question becomes: "what can I do today, even for 20 minutes, that I'll enjoy?". Staying connected, or re-connecting, requires the discomfort of contributing, while resisting the temptation for things like scrolling. Looking for activities based on our interests can be great replacements for screentime. The people doing the activities we pick? They like those things too. And just like that, you're socializing. Sometimes we need a nudge — but momentum builds momentum. Eventually, we pick up speed. Hope something in there was useful!
I wanted to quote your three points about your chaotic childhood and the pain of your sexuality not being accepted by your peers, but I’m still working around the app lol. Suffice to say, this isn’t just happening with men of a certain age but women who you wouldn’t expect as well.
Welcome! Substack has a few features that take a little getting used to...Highlighting a section of text should make a little box pop up with 2 options to choose from: "share" or "restack". Restack is the option that let's you share quoted text as a Note.
And thank you for reading, Christine! I'm glad it resonated. While it's hard to hear there's some shared experiences, I hope there's solidarity in it, too. Thanks for being here!
Hey Derek, I come from an interesting background where I used to be read as female, but now am read as male. (I'm nonbinary). Also, I worked at a men's center as a therapist during one of my practicums. So I heard a lot of different opinions regarding the "male loneliness" epidemic!
To my understanding, the "male loneliness" isn't meant to blame men or masculinity. It's meant to empathize with men, actually, with how many were shamed or even attacked if they dared to be emotionally vulnerable. And that push for men to be "strong and tough". However, a theory can have one intention, but people can implement the theory in all sorts of ways. Many people do end up blaming men in general, or making masculine energy/ identity as something inherently bad.
There's the term "toxic masculinity." The intention is to say that men were taught as kids these toxic beliefs that hurt them and those around them. (The "men don't cry" mentality.) However, the term "toxic masculinity" doesn't sound nice, does it? It's as though masculinity is toxic in itself, even though it isn't. Masculinity is neutral, even if many people assign a moral judgment to it nowadays. It's like the whole "men are trash" or "Not All Men" jokes/ arguments. Sigh. A trans woman I talked to, admitted that "men are trash" probably sounds hard to hear, though she often forgets and just says it out of frustration.
It is interesting being someone who was seen as feminine, aspiring for the masculine. LOL it was like I was aspiring to become something bad. But that's really silly. Gender identities are just gender identities. There's nothing morally good or bad about maleness or masculinity.
Also this is a cultural thing. When I told my dad that men are expected to have no emotions, he thought that was preposterous! He had always prided himself and his side of the family as emotional people. (He criticized my mom and her side of the family as "unemotional"...Not very nice of him to say, but it's interesting that he sees emotion as good and lack of emotion as bad.) Anyway it made me realize that the "men shouldn't show emotions" is not a universal belief. Apparently it's not really a thing in Hong Kong/ China, at least.
I felt this article. I felt your vulnerability, empathy, and creativity. I also felt loneliness. It made me think about when I was young and the moment(s) that drove me to hide who I was in deference to who others wanted me to be. Safety was a key motivation, as was self-preservation. I appreciate you, Derek. Thanks for a thought-provoking read.
I appreciate you, Kim! Thank you so much for reading and for sharing. I’m glad this was able to offer some reflection. Writing it certainly did for me. Safety is the basic human trait that shapes the life we lead. Self-preservation can take us in many directions—learning to steer it is a choice, but definitely not an easy one.
Thanks for the enjoyable read. It's the benefit of unlocking your creativity :). Loneliness is a funny thing. We feel uncomfortable when we have it. But when we're in a messy interaction (with a friend, colleague, or family member), we'd like to be alone.
I once visited a beautiful temple located between the ocean and the mountain. It's one of the tourist hotspots which is also advertised as 'the best temple to grant any of your wishes.'
As I stood there and took in the ocean view, I was tempted to make a wish: I'd like to cure my loneliness.
Then I had a second thought: What if, I can ask for the state of being care-less about loneliness? Then I'll stop bothering about it.
I was quickly brought back to reality because someone asked me to move, I was blocking them from taking a nice picture.
I made the 2nd wish instead.
What a fantastic insight! And such a powerful story to go with it. Thanks for sharing! Perhaps there’s a layer of security found in the space to process how we feel. And maybe access to the space is what we feel most comforted by — and the autonomy it implies.
This was really thought provoking. From another prospective, I'm a wife who is anxiously watching my husband slide into middle age. First, it was the constant scrolling and default to news.com that had him wired for bad news. Then, it was slumped in front of the TV, scrolling YouTube and watching his homepage feed get increasingly inane and violent. He doesn't go out with his friends, they don't call. A generation ago, my grandfather sat in his chair smoking a pipe. Maybe it's inevitable. What do you think is the solution for keeping men connected as they age?
Thanks for reading! Glad it stirred up some thoughts. That sounds like a hard challenge for both your husband and for you. I won't pretend to know the answer, but I can offer some thoughts and observations. I think we (humans) have a hard time understanding the compounding impact of things we can't see. For example, we come to understand the benefits of investing and personal financial planning because we can eventually see the dollars growing. But we wrongly assume our social lives will maintain, and even grow, while our daily lives evolve and we socialize less. As time passes, our focus shifts and our commitments become our schedules (jobs, family, kids). The truth is that what we do each day, becomes what we did that week, that month, that year. The question becomes: "what can I do today, even for 20 minutes, that I'll enjoy?". Staying connected, or re-connecting, requires the discomfort of contributing, while resisting the temptation for things like scrolling. Looking for activities based on our interests can be great replacements for screentime. The people doing the activities we pick? They like those things too. And just like that, you're socializing. Sometimes we need a nudge — but momentum builds momentum. Eventually, we pick up speed. Hope something in there was useful!
I wanted to quote your three points about your chaotic childhood and the pain of your sexuality not being accepted by your peers, but I’m still working around the app lol. Suffice to say, this isn’t just happening with men of a certain age but women who you wouldn’t expect as well.
Welcome! Substack has a few features that take a little getting used to...Highlighting a section of text should make a little box pop up with 2 options to choose from: "share" or "restack". Restack is the option that let's you share quoted text as a Note.
And thank you for reading, Christine! I'm glad it resonated. While it's hard to hear there's some shared experiences, I hope there's solidarity in it, too. Thanks for being here!
Incredibly well said.
Glad it resonated. Is there a part you most connected with?
Hey Derek, I come from an interesting background where I used to be read as female, but now am read as male. (I'm nonbinary). Also, I worked at a men's center as a therapist during one of my practicums. So I heard a lot of different opinions regarding the "male loneliness" epidemic!
To my understanding, the "male loneliness" isn't meant to blame men or masculinity. It's meant to empathize with men, actually, with how many were shamed or even attacked if they dared to be emotionally vulnerable. And that push for men to be "strong and tough". However, a theory can have one intention, but people can implement the theory in all sorts of ways. Many people do end up blaming men in general, or making masculine energy/ identity as something inherently bad.
There's the term "toxic masculinity." The intention is to say that men were taught as kids these toxic beliefs that hurt them and those around them. (The "men don't cry" mentality.) However, the term "toxic masculinity" doesn't sound nice, does it? It's as though masculinity is toxic in itself, even though it isn't. Masculinity is neutral, even if many people assign a moral judgment to it nowadays. It's like the whole "men are trash" or "Not All Men" jokes/ arguments. Sigh. A trans woman I talked to, admitted that "men are trash" probably sounds hard to hear, though she often forgets and just says it out of frustration.
It is interesting being someone who was seen as feminine, aspiring for the masculine. LOL it was like I was aspiring to become something bad. But that's really silly. Gender identities are just gender identities. There's nothing morally good or bad about maleness or masculinity.
Also this is a cultural thing. When I told my dad that men are expected to have no emotions, he thought that was preposterous! He had always prided himself and his side of the family as emotional people. (He criticized my mom and her side of the family as "unemotional"...Not very nice of him to say, but it's interesting that he sees emotion as good and lack of emotion as bad.) Anyway it made me realize that the "men shouldn't show emotions" is not a universal belief. Apparently it's not really a thing in Hong Kong/ China, at least.